One of the questions I hear- and one that comes up repeatedly when people discuss sexual abuse is:
“Why was she still talking to him?”
“Why did she go back?”
“Why didn’t she just leave?”
“Why did she defend him?”
There is a common assumption underneath these questions: if someone was harmed by another person, they should immediately cut that person out of their life.
And if they don’t, people may begin questioning whether the harm really happened.
But trauma doesn’t always work that way.
For survivors of sexual abuse, childhood trauma, intimate partner violence, and other forms of interpersonal trauma, relationships can be incredibly complicated. The person who caused harm may also be someone the survivor loves, trusts, depends on, or has been deeply attached to.
Why Do Survivors Stay in Contact With Someone Who Hurt Them?
There isn’t one answer. Every survivor and every situation is different.
A survivor may remain in contact with the person who hurt them because of fear, attachment, dependency, confusion, shame, love, financial circumstances, family relationships, social consequences, or simply because they aren’t ready- or don’t feel able-to leave.
Sometimes the person who caused harm isn’t only a person who caused harm.
They may also have been:
- Someone the survivor loved
- Someone they trusted
- Someone who cared for them
- Someone they depended on
- Someone who made them feel special
- Someone they had known for years
- Someone they believed would protect them
- Someone they were emotionally or financially dependent upon
Human relationships are complicated.
Trauma doesn’t magically make that complexity disappear.
Sometimes Staying Connected Is About Survival
When we think about survival responses, we often think about fight or flight.
But survival can look very different depending on the person and the circumstances.
A survivor may try to reduce danger by keeping the other person calm.
They may avoid confrontation.
They may become agreeable.
They may minimize what happened.
They may try to maintain the relationship.
They may tell themselves that everything is okay.
They may stay close to the person because leaving feels more dangerous, frightening, or destabilizing.
From the outside, this can look confusing.
From inside the person’s nervous system, it may make sense.
Sometimes the question isn’t:
“Why didn’t they leave?”
It is:
“What did they believe they needed to do to stay safe?”
Leaving isn’t always a simple decision.
A survivor may fear:
- Retaliation
- Escalation
- Losing housing or financial support
- Losing family relationships
- Losing social support
- Not being believed
- Being blamed
- Being isolated
- What will happen to the person who harmed them
- What will happen to children or other family members
- The emotional consequences of losing an important relationship
For someone who has experienced coercion or interpersonal trauma, maintaining a relationship may sometimes feel safer than disrupting it.
What If the Survivor Still Loves the Person Who Hurt Them?
This is one of the hardest things for people to understand.
Attachment doesn’t automatically disappear when someone causes harm.
A survivor can love someone who hurt them.
They can miss them.
They can feel angry with them and still want their approval.
They can know intellectually that someone isn’t safe while remaining emotionally attached to them.
They can want the relationship to end while simultaneously being terrified of losing it.
These contradictions do not necessarily mean the survivor is lying, confused about everything, or making up what happened.
They mean that human attachment is complicated.
And this can be especially true when the relationship existed before the harm.
Why Might Someone Defend the Person Who Hurt Them?
A survivor may defend the person who caused harm for many different reasons.
They may be protecting themselves from the emotional reality of what happened.
They may be trying to preserve an important relationship.
They may fear what will happen if other people find out.
They may feel responsible for the other person’s wellbeing.
They may not have language for what happened.
They may minimize the behavior because acknowledging its full meaning feels overwhelming.
They may be experiencing shame or self-blame.
Or they may simply still love the person.
Sometimes saying:
“They’re not a bad person.”
can feel psychologically easier than saying:
“Someone I loved hurt me.”
That doesn’t tell us whether abuse occurred in a particular situation.
But it helps explain why survivor behavior can be much more complicated than the outside observer expects.
Childhood Trauma Can Make This Even More Complicated
For survivors of childhood sexual abuse or chronic childhood trauma, these dynamics can begin very early.
Children depend on adults for safety, food, housing, emotional regulation, and care.
A child may not have the developmental ability-or the freedom-to simply walk away from someone who is harming them.
They may learn that maintaining the relationship is necessary for survival.
They may learn:
Keep them happy.
Don’t make them angry.
Don’t tell.
Don’t cause problems.
Take care of everyone else’s feelings.
Stay close.
Over time, these patterns can become deeply embedded ways of relating.
This is one reason complex trauma can affect relationships long after the original danger is gone.
A survivor may continue to prioritize another person’s emotions over their own safety.
They may struggle to set boundaries.
They may feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
They may become highly attuned to changes in another person’s mood.
And they may have difficulty recognizing that they are allowed to leave relationships that are harmful.
These are not character flaws. They are adaptations that once served a purpose.
“Why Didn’t She Leave?” Is Victim-Blaming
When we focus primarily on why a survivor stayed, we can unintentionally shift responsibility away from the person who caused harm.
About Trauma Therapy
At Pasadena Trauma Therapy, we understand that trauma can affect far more than the moment when something happened. Trauma can shape attachment, relationships, boundaries, self-worth, emotional regulation, and the way a person responds to perceived danger.
Trauma therapy can provide a space to understand these patterns without judgment and begin developing safer, more supportive ways of relating to yourself and others.
If you are struggling with the effects of sexual trauma, childhood trauma, complex PTSD, or relationship patterns connected to past trauma, trauma-informed therapy can help you begin making sense of what your nervous system learned to do to survive.
