Our early relationships shape how we connect- not just with others, but also with ourselves. The way we learned to seek safety, love, and support becomes a blueprint for how we relate in adulthood.
Attachment theory helps us understand these patterns, while Parts Work or Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a way to gently heal them from the inside out.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of relating that form in early childhood, based on how consistently and safely our caregivers responded to our emotional needs.
When those early relationships were nurturing and reliable, we tend to form secure attachments. When they were inconsistent, unavailable, or frightening, we may develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns.
These styles are not permanent labels- they are adaptive strategies we developed to survive and connect in the best way we could at the time.
Secure Attachment
When we experience secure attachment, both in early life and within ourselves, there’s an internal sense of stability and safety.
Our parts– the inner aspects of us that hold emotions, memories, and beliefs- trust that we’ll care for them. We can be close and connected without losing ourselves, and independent without fear of abandonment.
In IFS terms: Our Self is leading- calm, curious, and compassionate.
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Parts with anxious attachment often fear abandonment or rejection. They crave closeness and reassurance but may struggle with feeling “too much” or “not enough.”
These parts likely developed in response to caregivers who were sometimes nurturing but other times unavailable or unpredictable.
Healing Tip: Help these parts feel seen and reassured. Let them know they no longer have to work so hard to stay connected- you, as Self, are here now.
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Avoidant parts learned early that emotional closeness could lead to rejection, criticism, or disappointment. They protect by creating distance, minimizing needs, or staying self-sufficient.
Healing Tip: Approach these protective parts with curiosity, not pressure. Their distance is an act of care- they’re trying to keep you safe. Over time, trust allows these parts to soften and risk connection again.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
Disorganized attachment often arises when caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear- for instance, in situations of trauma, neglect, or abuse.
Parts with this style may long for connection while also fearing it deeply. Internally, this can feel like a push-pull between wanting closeness and wanting to disappear.
Healing Tip: Focus on creating safety inside first. Help the fearful parts feel protected before asking them to connect. Trust and stability within your internal system allow external relationships to feel safer, too.
Healing Attachment Through Parts Work (IFS)
In Internal Family Systems, we recognize that attachment patterns are carried by parts of us- not the whole of who we are. These parts developed strategies to help us survive emotional pain or disconnection.
Healing doesn’t happen by forcing change but by gently understanding the fears and needs behind each part’s behavior. When our Self energy- that calm, compassionate core -begins to lead, those parts start to relax.
With time and internal trust, we can develop what IFS calls earned secure attachment– an inner sense of safety that transforms how we relate to others.
Building a Secure Inner Base
Healing attachment isn’t just about finding the right partner or friend- it’s about cultivating a safe relationship within yourself.
As your Self becomes the secure base for your inner system, your parts can rest. You begin to feel more grounded, open, and connected- both internally and externally.
You can finally experience relationships as safe, supportive, and mutual.
Final Thoughts
Attachment patterns are adaptive responses to early environments- not flaws or failures. Through Parts Work and IFS, we can meet the anxious, avoidant, and fearful parts of us with compassion, helping them unburden old fears and experience new safety.
Healing is possible. With understanding, patience, and connection, you can create the secure attachment you may have never had- starting from within.
If you’d like to explore how Parts Work and trauma-informed therapy can help you heal attachment wounds, visit PasadenaTraumaTherapy.com.
